I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
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We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
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Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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