I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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