I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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