I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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