She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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