if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
