I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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