Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
