Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
