We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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