Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
