Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
