I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
