In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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