And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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