Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
