Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
