Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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