my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
