So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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