I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
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I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
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What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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