Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
ttyl tear gas
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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