I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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