I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
