I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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