the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
