I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
