I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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