she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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