half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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