That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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