i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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