I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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