Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
