she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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