When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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