The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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