The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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