So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
