she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
