If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
