i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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