Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
