At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Let's paint friendship bongs
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
