I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
