I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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