so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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