The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
