Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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