it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
