hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
