that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
