The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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