oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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