Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
