You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
