I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
