I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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