I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I supernannyed him into submission
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
