Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
we should paint friendship bongs
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
